Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I have always felt younger than my age.

And not in the "I have as much energy as a 10 year old and the skin of a 6 year old" type of younger.

But in a "everyone in this room seems so much older, wiser, and more put together than me" kind of way.

I get in a group of people and I feel like the kid who normally sits at the children's table in the other room who has, just this once, been allowed to sit with the grown-ups.

I don't feel like a "grown-up."


When I'm at the hospital, I feel that the interns, the residents, the attendings, and even other medical students were more experienced that I was. Not just at medicine, but at life. That their instincts and insight were better.

When I'm out socially, I feel that my friends have more interesting experiences and more maturity that I do.

Feeling like this irritates me. After all, I'm in my late 20s, not in my teens. I have two kids (who I think are turning out quite well.) I have a wonderful, incredibly successful marriage. I'm a freaking doctor!

Why do I feel younger, less experienced, less qualified than everyone else in the room?

Maybe I skipped part of my childhood. Jumping from playing house to running house too soon. I worked hard through out high school, college, and medical school. Maybe too much work and not enough play didn't give me a chance to notice myself growing up.

Childhood passed so quickly, maybe I never go the chance to feel myself move through it into adulthood.

Maybe not.

Maybe it's just all poor coping skills.

I think, next dinner party, I'll just go ahead and ask for a seat at the kids table. It's not too late.


Karen said...

Hi, Katherine!

I'm far from a doctor. I work at a community college in a position that could very well disappear this summer due to budget cuts. I live in a rented townhouse with roommates. I'm single and have no kids and I'm about to be 32 next week. I know EXACTLY what you mean about not feeling like a grown up, because I certainly don't. My younger brother is married, has a son and is about to graduate from law school and I feel like he is lightyears ahead of me.

But then I remember that I've been to 5 countries and lived outside of the US for awhile and I've done a lot of things he didn't get to do.

And that helps. Some.